But here is the thing though. How could I? What beginning? What New Year? What change? How would you talk about this when you feel that last has been sowed to first, without one little tiny bit left out? All the pain, the suffering, the devastation, the doubt? and

I’m not good. In fact I’m really bad at the moment. Physically and emotionally torn. My body weaker than ever. My soul gone to some odd place near nowhere in the back of my head. Turns out what has been bad could get worse. Hey, funny, who would have thought?

I’ve been so lonely and the frightening part is I have no objection to it. It’s actually quite satisfying. That way I don’t have to talk about what has been going through my body and my mind. That way I can hide the horror behind my smiles. Those that I am quit good at flashing. And this is very satisfactory and seems like the best option at the moment. Or even for a while. As long as ever…

I want to think of the plus sides of everything, but there is nothing to it. Not even a little tiny sound of hope through this thunder around me. Once, someone said:” anything I touch will turn to ashes."And even though I am not superstitious I have come to that conclusion. It has been based on instinct. Rather that study. I see everything around me torn and broken. The ones I love, the things I cherish, the beliefs I have, the goals I’d set. And now right now just at this moment I’m beginning to shatter to one million broken pieces. Not only I’m not able to hold neither anything together nor myself at any cost.

I have a cast on my right leg and a brace around my neck. A movable lung attached to me through a tube and a support around my wrist. I have absolutely no control over how my body moves and how my bran functions any more. Drown in thoughts which not only are not horrifying but repeating them over and over makes a wild pain run through every part of this weak body. Not medication nor therapy and counseling are helping me. I am back on the same track I was 6 years ago. And the scent is pulling me like a magnet to those memories. Sitting at work, thinking about the past has been the biggest problem. I love my job. I’d spent a great deal of study and practice to get here and now just as easy as I am sounding right at this moment, I am loosing it. I have not yet at least. But I know where this will be headed. To destruction of every bit of what I have earned. That’s where….

I’m furious. Disgusted at me. That can’t be the right word. I’m bewildered by my thoughts. How can someone be so self centered. Easy. When you are the most available thing to the word “alive” around you, then all of a sudden you become the spotlight and wallaaaaa….

I wanted to stop it. Make a New Year resolution and stick to it. Something that would works for everyone. That would help every one. But my strength… it’s very limited now. Below the human rate. And that tells me, if I am smart of course that I should run with the flow, instead of swimming against the waves. And that will be my plan now. Stopping. Being still and light as possible so when I hit the bottom I just would be in one piece rather than crushed into many.

I should confess, this is not as hard as they said it would be. I just hope the path is not much longer. Or …

Doesn’t even matter!!!

Ok! Enough nagging. I am going to follow the tradition and wish those ones close to me what I should have almost 2 weeks ago, and lack of politeness and respect for bond of friend ship stopped me from doing so. Stick around….